When you arrive at Kaohsiung airport, you’re greeted with a sign on the exit doors saying:
PLEASE AVOID THE COLLISION
This should have stood as a warning as I came to Taiwan in the hope of helping people perfect their English.
Taiwanese rely on translation and take a very lexical approach to language. However, English is not Chinese. Words are ideas and many of the ideas are often fundamentally different. For example:
In Chinese “guan xie” means relationship but also the larger network of inter-relationships; so the Australian expression “no worries” has the Taiwanese equivalent of “may yo guan xie” which is literally translated as “no have relationship or personal debt”.
This approach to language learning is reiterated in the education system, which relies on constant tests of vocabulary and spelling. Students go through their whole life trying to put things they say in Chinese straight into English. Therefore when I’m checking writing I’ll often come across amazing combinations of words like:
“If you enjoy the hubbub of the voice place, go to Urban Spot Light”
or
“your daughter should consider the bright future”
The use and overuse of electronic dictionaries also leads to some amazingly archaic vocabulary. One of my students really enjoys gourmandising another has sanguine walls.
Bad English can even be found in government buildings and on websites. I went to the department of motor vehicles and had to stand in the cue marked:
I find it a little frustrating as I know everyone under about 30 has had at least 5 years of English language instruction. Yet asking for a coffee at the coffee shop (which is ka-fe in Chinese – not a huge linguistic stretch) is met with fear, consternation, and running to find the English speaker.
I know I should be working harder at learning Chinese but after four years in three different countries, I’m suffering from language fatigue. There’s also something comforting about not knowing what anyone around you is saying.
These irregularities of English often give me a chuckle but can also be powerfully disheartening when teaching.
We drove down to Kenting yesterday and camped on BaiSha Beach. It’s by far the best beach I’ve seen in Taiwan. We left at noon and got there just before three. The camp-site, where we had planned to stay, was trashed. Everything was gone. There was no one around so we decided to camp there anyway. After setting up, we headed off into town and had some dinner at a Thai place, then came back to the beach with supplies.
By seven the place was deserted. We drank rum on the beach, had a smoke, but it was too cold for swimming. Today we got up early – due to the daylight, and packed up the tent before heading back down to the beach.
The weather had cleared up and it looked pristine, so I hired an umbrella and Robyn lay in the sun. It was a good day for people watching. After lunch we decided to head home before it got too dark.
We stopped every hour to break up the driving. An hour and half into the drive, we were driving down a fairly busy section of highway when up ahead there was a terrific crash. Two bikes went flying across the road. Needless to say, we stopped to see if everyone was ok.
One slightly damaged ankle, possibly a broken nose and one guy with half his foot missing. I can’t get that image out of my head. All the skin off the top of his foot was hanging off to one side, exposing the bone and sinew below. It was like some thing from a horror movie.
It was a good ten to fifteen minutes until the ambulance arrived. R had the right idea and got him to lie down and relax. I really wanted to do something about the bleeding – but what could you do. I had sterile swabs – but there wasn’t enough for the whole foot. I considered a tourniquet – but the cops would be here soon and they would know the best course of action.
The best course of action was to wait for the ambulance, which the police officer did (when he arrived 5-10 minutes after the crash). He ignored the injured and just started directing traffic. I moved the two trashed bikes off the road. I couldn’t stand looking at that foot; I couldn’t stand doing nothing either, so I joined R chilling the dude out. He was taking it pretty well.
When the ambulance did arrive, they didn’t do anything but put him on a trolley, stick him in the van and drive off. I will never forget the look on the face of the ti-cur dude (Taiwanese version of a bogan/redneck). It looked as if he were going to cry with empathy.
I just felt ill with sympathy. As soon as the ambulance headed off, so did we: very, very carefully.
Recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not going to die anytime soon. This is a mixed blessing. On one hand, being alive is a lot more fun than being dead (as far as we know anyway – the dead people I’ve met, never seem to be enjoying themselves). On the other hand, if you’ve made the decision that you are going to live, you should work towards ensuring that your life is going to have some sort of quality. For this reason, I’ve decided to exercise.
The other solution would be to give up the smoking, drinking and deep-fried foods. This is not an option in the short term. Exercise it is then.
I don’t like sports. Gyms are full of muscle-bound narcissists in tiny shorts. I have bad knees, so abhor running – if you ever see me running, follow me, as there’s something nasty coming. I’ve always enjoyed swimming though, so this is my exercise of choice.
The week I was born, a swimming pool was installed at my family home. There is some debate as to whether my siblings were more excited by me or the pool: the consensus lies with the pool. I’m told I could swim before I could walk, and even today, feel more at home in water than on land.
Growing up in Australia, where 90% of the population live near the ocean, swimming lessons are mandatory. There were school swimming competitions and Sunday mornings at the beach with the boogie-board.
It was interesting moving to Taiwan, another island nation, to find the majority of people I speak to can’t swim. I observed this in Thailand as well. There are swimming pools however, which are fairly well populated.
The first thing you notice about a Taiwanese swimming pool is the uniform. No boardies here: budgie smugglers, banana hammocks and dick slickers, as far as the eye can see; complimented by a compulsory, and usually matching, swim-cap.
It’s good to see people who are so comfortable with their bodies that they are willing to run around in their underwear. I’ve never been too much of a fan, but at the same time, I don’t have to look at myself. It’s either this, or die sooner rather than later.
N-Spa
Why the love of the leotard? One of my friends is convinced it’s for public hygiene: it keeps unwanted hair out of the filters. Fair enough for those of Asian decent. Personally, I have more hair on my face than most Taiwanese men have down their trunks, and the friend in question has more hair on his back, than could be found on the entire Taiwanese rugby team (if there was one).
Whatever. As with most stupid rules, I don’t make them, but I’ll follow them if it makes life easier. I donned the apparel and drove in. A quick 25 laps and…
…stop. A pair of legs in front of me. I stand up and see everyone is swimming breast stroke, at about one kilometre a day.
What can you do? I swam under them and kept going. Eventually, I developed a system of only choosing a lane with one other person then waiting for them to get half way towards me before taking off at a swift free-style. I make it to the end before they finish a length. Then I have a nice rest while they take their sweet time coming back towards me. Seeing the giant hairy foreigner streaking past them, is enough to make most Taiwanese people decide to swim elsewhere, and I get the lane to myself.
Breast-stroke seems universal, except for one group of chaps, who can occasionally be found doing bad butterfly impressions down the centre lane and creating miniature tsunamis that make it impossible for anyone else to use the pool.
At least they give it a bash. For most people, swimming is a mystery. “Spas” are quite popular though. I’ve spent many a hangover relaxing in the variously-coloured therapeutic pools and under massaging water jets at N-Spa. For a 250 NTD day pass they offer: an underused Olympic sized swimming pool, saunas, steam rooms, hot pools, cold pools, bubble seats and deck chairs.
Most people are there to sit in tepid pools of water, rather than to swim. Noticeably the elderly as well: is this why they live so long?
N-Spa
There is also a ubiquitous fear of the ocean.Every beach I’ve been to in Taiwan has signs saying: “No Swimming, Strong current”. This is true, it’s easy to get swept from shore, but with a few simple precautions there’s minimal danger. If you’re at a beach in Kaohsiung, you’re more at risk of heavy-metal poisoning.
God help you if there’s a life guard on duty and you go in past your knees. He will be riding his ATV across the sand, blowing his whistle, yelling and tossing his ciggie butt on the sand, quicker than you can say: “Littering is a crime you arse-hole!”.
This seems fine for most Taiwanese people. The concept of getting ready to get in the drink involves rolling up trouser legs. The braver souls can be seen inflating their adult-sized arm bands and floating devices, before venturing in to the waist.
Off for a swim
We were recently on Green Island, which would have to rank in my top five places to visit in Taiwan. The snorkelling was amazing; such a plethora of tropical fish. Local tour operators run “snorkelling adventures”. It would have to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Picture: 20-30 people wearing full-length wetsuits, booties, life-vests, masks, carrying life-preservers and being pulled over three meters of water on a rope by a tour guide. Hilarious.
Taiwanese on a rope
The cultural fear of the ocean is deeply ingrained. Mazu, Goddess of the Sea, is one of the most popular deities on this tiny island. There’s about 1,000 temples dedicated to her worship.Right now we are in “ghost month” when spirits rise from the underworld. Anyone in the ocean is liable to pulled to a watery death.
Mazu
Personally, I fear death by lack of exercise or execution for the murder of slow swimmers, rather than angry maritime ancestors. Either way, you have to die sometime. For now, I will keep up with the swimming, in the hope of extending my life just a little longer.
I should be the last person to talk to anyone about fashion; I've been wearing the same shirt I bought at an op-shop five years ago and really do despise the whole concept. However, it would be hard to spend time in Taiwan without passing comment on some of the weird shit people choose to cover their nakedness.
So, one sunny Saturday afternoon at a concert in Tainan we decided to document a small sampling of what passes for fashion in Taiwan:
Cost of eliminating starvation and malnutrition globally: $19 billion
Cost of providing education for every child on earth: $12 billion
Cost of providing access to water and sanitation: $15 billion
Cost of reversing the spread of AIDS and Malaria: $23 billion
Amount Americans spend a year on cosmetics: $8 billion
Amount spent on pet food in Europe and the United States: $17 billion
Amount the world spends on Narcotic drugs: $400 billion
Taiwan’s military spending in 2005: $7.574 (18th of 170)
Biggest importer of US arms from 1981 to 1985: Iraq
Iraq imports of US arms from 1981 to 1985: $23.9 billion
The total household waste generated in Taiwan in 1999: 8.88 million tons
Average daily waste produced per person: 1.082 kg
The total household waste generated in Dubai in 2007: 14 million tons
Top ranking countries for the amount waste generated per person per year (2000): #1 United States: 760 kgs #2 Australia: 690 kgs #3 Denmark: 660 kgs #4 Switzerland: 650 kgs #5 Canada: 640 kgs per
The number of males for each female in Taiwan aged 15-64: 1.03
The number of males for each female in Dubai: 2.8
The number of people who recently started a relationship when an Italian team of scientists tested for levels of a protein called nerve growth factor (NGF): 58
Symptoms of NGF: sweaty palms and butterflies in the stomach - commonly associated with romantic love
Of the 39 people who were still in the same relationship after a year, their levels of NGF: normal
Percentage of people who say they want to be rid of their current partner: 8
Percentage of Australian married men who have sex at least twice a week: 43
Percentage of Australian single men who have sex at least twice a week: 26
Percentage of people who claim to be satisfied with their sex life: 49
Average number of times French people have sex every year: 130 (the most in Europe)
USA White Wife-Asian Husband: 174,000
Asian Wife Asian Husband: 2,493,000
Since 1962, six actors have portrayed James Bond in "official" films
BASE stands for: Building, Antenna, Span, Earth
Fine for BASE jumping in a national park in the United States: up to $2,000
The current BASE number: above 1,000,
The number of people who have died while BASE jumping: 120.
The highest BASE jump off Pakistan's Trango Towers in 1992: 19,000 feet (5791m)
Feet higher than most skydiving planes go: about 4,000 feet (1219m).
The lowest feasible jump: around 250 feet (72m)
Jumps completed during KL Tower International BASE Jump Merdeka Circuit 2007: 2780
Jump that killed the “father” of BASE jumping Carl Boenish in 1984: Troll Wall, Norway
Year that BASE jumping from Troll Wall was made illegal: 1986
